Adrian's Haunted Trousers

I have come to suspect that a certain pair of dogtooth check trousers that once belonged to this man, Adrian Huge, drummer of the Tiger Lillies are haunted! By Deek Deekster 

Adrian's Haunted Trousers

By Deek Deekster

I may in the past have been prepared to

entertain various aspects of the arcane and esoteric, but I have never

been susceptible to the sort of superstition that attaches bad luck to

single magpies. OK, if I see a single magpie, I will look around for

it's mate, invariably to be found by the casual eye should it bother to

check. And, if I don't find said black and white bird, that doesn't

mean I will then have that sort of creeping dread as the day's hope

drains out of me like an emptying bath. Nor do I enunciate the old folk

litany which is designed to prevent said bad fortune from striking me -

something which a friend handily condensed to "where's your mate, mate

?" and check for errors in change the rest of the day. In this manner I

lead a fairly rational life and keep neurosis at bay.

I have

come to suspect that a certain pair of dogtooth check trousers that

once belonged to this man, Adrian Huge, drummer of the Tiger Lillies

are haunted. The reason for this (and it is reason) is that misfortune

has befallen me sometimes as it befalls us all, but all the more often

when I wear them. Which is a pity, because they are comfortable and

stylish - rather like Adrian - and a good fit. I have told myself it's

just a run of bad luck coincidence with the trousers, but now I have

become aware of them, I can see that I will not be wearing them again.

If I keep them I will only be naggingly conscious that they have been

confined to the safety of the wardrobe and although I will look at them

admiringly, they will not be on my legs again.

There is

nothing to be done but get rid of them before the keeping of them

becomes obsessive and the fear attaches itself to the removal of the

object. I have only to decide whether the haunting is specific to me,

and therefore the otherwise perfectly good trousers can be given to a

suitable person or charity shop, or else whether they should be thrown

away. I am loathe to destroy them because they are despite their

ill-omened status a fine garment. But I would consider myself foolish

if I managed to pass on the haunting as well as the trousers - how long

will it take the next person to realise the terrible truth ? Will they

be as fortunate as I in perceiving the nature of the trousers and thus

avoid tragedy ?

With this in mind, I have decided therefore

to take the trousers to a religious place, probably my local church,

and leave them there (bagged) with a note attached (on white card)

reading the following:

Please bless these trousers before passing them on to the man who needs them.

By this means, I hope to spiritually dry-clean the trousers, drive out

the trouser demon, and restore them to the place they deserve to be -

on the legs of a happy and well-adjusted person of good moral character

possessing the courage to live a life beyond superstition.