Hamsters
I love a little hamster up my rectum
It makes me feel so bright and so gay
What they do with their claws the way the do gnaw
It makes me orgasm every day
I love a little hamster up my rectum
I freeze up to twenty every day
They gnaw and the claw they paw and they paw
It makes me go hip hip hip hip hooray
I love a little hamster up my rectum
But they always try to get out up my arse
They try and they try and then they do die
They always pick the wrong end of the shaft
I love a little hamster up the rectum
But they always try to get out the wrong way
They try try then they do die
Always try to exit the wrong way
But now my rectum has been ruptured
And in the pet shop I no longer pay
I’m left to reminisce of my moments of bliss
When with hamsters I had my evil ways
I love a little hamster up the rectum
I love a little hamster up the arse
I love a little hamster up the anus
It always makes me laugh
I love a little hamster up the rectum
I love a little hamster up the bum
I love a little hamster up the bumhole
Now that’s what I call fun fun fun fun …
Waiter
Fill my sandwich my sandwich my sandwich with snot
With bogeys and mucus and whatever you’ve got
Piss on my pork pie piss on my veg
Cum over my croutons and shoot sperm on my eggs
Into my soup your pimples please squeeze
Wipe your arse wipe your arse on my cheese
Into my broth your blood please
If you’ve got if you’ve got a disease
The waiter
He’s a masturbator
The waiter
He’s a masturbator
Well dunk your dick in my toad-in-the-hole
I think you’re a bastard without a soul
Dunk your dick in my donut
I think you’re a maniac and a nut
The waiter
He’s a masturbator
The waiter
He’s a masturbator
If you had seen how he creamed
How he creamed my potatoes
Well he must be
He must be a masturbator
But worst of all he’s been sick in my soup
And into my vol-au-vents he has pooped
Vagina
Vagina in the sky
Once in love I lied
We were young and the same height
Our love was paradise
Vagina in the sky
Don’t ask don’t ask me why
I fell for a giraffe
Now everybody laughs
Vagina vagina vagina in the sky
Vagina vagina vagina in the sky
Vagina in the sky
Now every night I cry
She’s grown to such a height
Her love is out of sight
Vagina in the sky
Don’t ask me why
But she’s grown out of reach
Her love I beseech
My vagina my vagina my vagina in the sky
My vagina my vagina my vagina in the sky …
Aunty Mabel
Aunty Mabel liked more than
Just a drop of rum
She could take a crew of sailors
Each one up her bum
Well she knew the street corners
Of her town well
But Aunty Mabel Aunty Mabel’s secret
Was that she was not a girl
Aunty Mabel
She wasn’t a chick
Aunty Mabel
She had a …
Aunty Mabel’s orifice
It had been well used
By a judge a judge jury and
By the accused
She had lost both her legs
Cut off in the war
So to support herself
Had sailors by the score
Aunty Mabel
Well she wasn’t a chick
Aunty Mabel
She had a …
Well her orifice had been well used
She was well known as the
Well known as the best screw around
And if you’re feeling horny
You can give Aunty Mabel a spin
Then you can leave her money in her
Disabled tin
Well Aunty Mabel
She wasn’t a chick
Aunty Mabel
She had a …
Well if you put your hands between
My Aunty Mabel’s plastic artificial thighs
And you try to feel her snatch
You’re in for a surprise
Aunty Mabel
She wasn’t a chick
Aunty Mabel Mabel Mabel
Had a dick dick dick dick dick
Dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick
Heinrich
Hip hip hip hip hooray
With my German shepherd I do play
Heinrich Heinrich
My German shepherd Heinrich
See those sheep that he keeps
Well when he barks those sheep all weep
Heinrich Heinrich
My German shepherd Heinrich
Well he’s a pedigree my chum
And when he barks those sheep go numb
Heinrich Heinrich
My German shepherd Heinrich
Well bark bark bark woof woof woof
None of them sheep think he’s a poof
Heinrich Heinrich
My German shepherd Heinrich
And woof woof bark bark
Heinrich Heinrich has my heart
Heinrich Heinrich
My German shepherd Heinrich
Well bark bark bark woof woof woof
Woof woof woof bark
Bark bark bark bark woof woof woof
Bark bark bark bark bark
Woof woof woof woof bark bark bark
Bark bark bark woof
Woof woof woof woof bark bark bark
Bark bark bark bark
Heinrich Heinrich
My German shepherd Heinrich
Sheep
She’s soft she’s gentle
She’s gentle and she’s kind
She’s very very gentle
She’s very very kind
Her name is Wellington
Well when I see her I cry
I love her I love her
When she is by my side
She’s my sheep
She’s my sheep
She’s my sheep
Well the cows are in the field
The pigs are in the sty
Well the chickens cluck the horses neigh
But my sheep is by my side
She’s my sheep
She’s my sheep
She’s my sheep
Well her smell her touch her woolly head
Well they set my soul on fire
Her loins her loins of lamb
The fill me with desire
She’s my sheep
She’s my sheep
She’s my sheep
Well there across the farmyard
There goes my love
She’s being sheared for summer
I praise God above
She’s my sheep
She’s my sheep
She’s my sheep
Maggots
The maggots feed they feed on him
Well some they laugh and some give in
You cannot breathe the putrid air
The bastard’s dead and no one cares
There are no relatives or friends
The sad condolences descend
The pauper’s grave is all that’s left
No one to pay their last repects
To die in filth in filth obscure
To die so dirty and so poor
Your life was right your life was wrong
The virtues and the vice all gone
His mother’s heart would surely wrench
To see the poverty and stench
A social worker does discard
A box of letters and postcards
The only records of a life
That now has passed into the light
To die in filth in filth obscure
To die so dirty and so poor
Do you ever wonder that you’d be
Left all alone and lonely
The same as him on Judgement Day
Left all alone to fade away
Because you lack the social skills
And then grow old and then grow ill
To die in filth in filth obscure
To die so dirty and so poor
To die in filth in filth obscure
To die so dirty and so poor
To die in filth in filth obscure
To die so dirty and so poor
To die in filth in filth obscure
To die so dirty and so poor
To die in filth in filth obscure
To die so dirty dirty dirty
dirty dirty dirty dirty and so poor
Motor Car
To make love to a motor card
Is what I want to do
Porsche or a Ferrari
But anything will do
If I make love to Morris
Does that mean I’m gay
I smear myself in engine oil
And then I’m towed away
Can I cum in your car
Well to make love to a motor car
That’s what I want to do
Don’t care about the colour
Black green or blue
Don’t like road protestors
They wanna take my right
To make love to a motor car
Afternoon or night
Can I cum in your car
To make love to a motor car
Is all I want to do
To make love to a motor car
Is all I want to do
Piglet
When I’m reincarnated when I do return
To run a piglet porno ring well that’s what I’d yearn
To ruin young and tender lives with my evil vice
And never ever never ever never to be nice
With my piglet piglet porno ring
My piglet porno ring
My piglet piglet
Piglet porno ring
Well membership of the Rotary Club I will buy
I’ll seem so very nice and kind
While in my piglet porno ring the money it will flood
And upon my face there’ll be no mud
My piglet piglet
My piglet porno ring
My piglet piglet
Piglet porno ring
Well down below I’ll have booked a special place
‘Cos I’ve brought a smile to the devil’s face
With my piglet piglet
Piglet porno ring
With my piglet piglet
Piglet porno ring
With my piglet piglet
Piglet porno ring
With my piglet piglet piglet piglet
Piglet my piglet
Piglet piglet piglet piglet piglet piglet
Piglet piglet piglet piglet piglet piglet
Porno ring
Kick a stick
Sometimes I go walking
Walking down the street
When an old aged pensioner
I do meet
That’s when I do practise
My favourite sport
I kick a stick kick a stick
That they do support
Kick a stick kick a stick
Well you can kick a stick
Anywhere you go
Kick that stick kick that stick
And down they go
Well you can kick a stick
As they go on their way
Then you can go
Hip hip hip hooray
Kick a stick kick a stick
Well you can kick artificial limbs
Zimmer frames as well
But kicking sticks well that’s the best way
Old aged pensioners to fell
And when they’re lying
Down there on the floor
You can kick ‘em kick ‘em kick ‘em
More and more
Kick a stick kick a stick
Cowboys
I’m a lonesome cowboy
Out there on the plains
And sometimes my passion
My passion must drain
And then it’s into a barn
Where I’ll find release
A baby calf
Will suck away the heat
I’m a cowboy
I love calves
They make me hard
I’m a lonesome cowboy
I know what I’ll do
I’ll catch me a calf
With my lasso
And when I’ve fed
That calf my seed
It’ll grow at twice
The speed
I’m a cowboy
And I love calves
They make me hard
I’m a lonesome cowboy
I know what I’ll do
And a little baby calf
On me’s going to chew
When I’ve fed that little baby calf
I’ve fed it my load
It’ll grow and grow
And grow
I’m a cowboy
I love calves
They make me hard
Hard hard
That Wiener schnitzel that you eat
That’s so creamy and white
It’s because I
I came in it
Every night
Flies
My life’s a drama I can’t deny
I want to have sex with flies
But when I try I am too big
I stick it in and they don’t live
I smell I smell I smell of shit
The flies the flies they all love it
I smell of shit and I am warm
I could orgy with a swarm
Sex with flies why can’t I
Have sex with flies why can’t I
I dream some day in foreign parts
A giant fly will take my heart
I’ll stick it in I won’t be too big
And there in Heaven we shall live
Sex with flies why can’t I
Have sex with flies why can’t I
Bzzzz bzz bzzz bzz
Bzzzz bzz bzzz bzz
Bzzzz bzz bzzz bzz …
Happy End
Hollywood style you know you must smile
Though the end though the end makes you retch
Given beauty and youth hide them from the truth
The last thing they need is respect
So let’s all pretend
There’s a happy end
God can explain the reasons for pain
There’s no need to feel vexed
And in the end you gotta pretend
Like a dog like a dog you must fetch
Well let’s all pretend
There’s a happy end
Religion football and sex
Well rainbows yuppies smiling puppies
Where everything’s right and correct
Then there’s the opium trail the opium trail
Of religion football and sex
Well let’s all pretend
There’s a happy end
Religion football and sex
Sex
Sex
Sex
Farmyard Filth contains possibly the most extensive collection of songs dealing with zoophilia in recorded history. Flies, Sheep, Hamsters, German Shepherds, Giraffes, Pigs and Calves, a veritable Noah's ark of beasts are paraded before the listener. Other subjects include amputees, pensioners and transsexuals. You have been warned.
Credits:
Produced by Olimax & The Tiger Lillies
All songs written by Martyn Jaques
Engineered by M.P. Lovecraft III & Jim Custance & Doc
Martyn Jaques - accordion / voice
Adrian Huge - percussion
Adrian Stout - double bass
And
Vernon (saw)
John (theramin)
John (guitar)
Charlie (keyboards)
Paul (trombone)
Stan (guitar)
Photo / Graphics by bLUE
